Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
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i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*