If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
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Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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5.awesome
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
A fake ID that makes you younger
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Monday
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
inside you are two wolves
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.