When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
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The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Greeting humans vs their dogs
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.