We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
You Might Also Like
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
*Inspirational Tweets*
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.