Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
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Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Mad Max Arctic Road
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?