“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
You Might Also Like
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?