*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
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Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
dogs can find happiness so easily
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.