From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
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Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd