Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
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I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…