One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
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I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration