anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
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We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Haha good job!!
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I’m Sold!
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.