“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
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I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Thursday
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.