9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
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[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I am HOWLING at this
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
why would tinder want me to say this
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Stick it to the man
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead