i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
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Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
They’re called werewolves.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
no refunds
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want