Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
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[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
She was REALLY feeling it.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
📽️movie date🎞️
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS