21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
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House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
When they try to steal your moment.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids