[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
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I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?