If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
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[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
#growingpains
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up