The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
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Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
I’m too immature for adultery.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?