I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
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All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.