sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
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u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue