me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
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respect
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Love thy neighbor’s dog
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]