“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
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It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*