Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
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My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.