Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
You Might Also Like
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Breaking news:
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?