Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
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Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
bro what is going on at twitter
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!