I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
You Might Also Like
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
he’s doing your taxes
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.