Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
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The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
I feel attacked.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things