I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
You Might Also Like
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed