If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
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I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Friends that check up on you >
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”