16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
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….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I might carry a baby with one hand.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.