Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow