(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
You Might Also Like
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]