anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
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<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me