It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
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Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.