ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
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Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I have obtained a hat
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point