My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
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EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
This is my emotional support knife.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*