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I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.