My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.