when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
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I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
The days of good grammer has went
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”