ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
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Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I laughed at this way too hard.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂