Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
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*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I hate when that happens.
Thrilling chase underway
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%