I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
You Might Also Like
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
that lip filler tho
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
what’s the point then??
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…