anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
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I’d love this…lol
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.