I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
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It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…