I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
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If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol