The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
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It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Bring back the McRib
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
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Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something