Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
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My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.