Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
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8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first