Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
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“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia